Funny Friday - Penis Surgery

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

 

"We're getting granite countertops."

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Disclaimer: Funny Friday is not intended to offend anyone,

it is just my way of sharing the bits of laughter

sent to me by friends thoughout the week.

I pick the best of the bunch to share with you. 

Figuring if you are as tired as I am and possibly stressed by work

(or just life in general) you can use a good laugh.

TGIF!  Hugs,  Erin

Funny Friday - The Husband Store

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.  She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:  To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Hugs,  Erin

Funny Friday - A Glass of Wine

This was sent to me by email from one of my favorite people, just had to share. 

To my FRIENDS who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 litre of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed

More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

Found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer

(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process

Of boiling , filtering and/or fermenting .

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of $hit...

********************

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service

********************

Here is Iowa it is expected to be 90+ degrees (way too hot for me)

so I will be enjoying my central air conditioning

and hope to get some painting time in. 

Enjoy your Friday and weekend my friends. 
Hugs, Erin

Funny Friday - Oh to be 8 again!

Oh To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife,

who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off

he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.



Photo rights reside here, not with me



'I'd like to be eight again', she replied,

still looking in the mirror ..



Photo rights reside here, not with me



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,

made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

the Death Slide,

the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Roller Coaster,

everything there was.

Photo rights reside here, not with me

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal

 with extra fries and a chocolate shake.



Photo rights reside here, not with me



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.



Photo rights reside here, not with me

What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

Photo rights reside here, not with me

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed .

Photo rights reside here, not with me

'I meant my dress size, you Retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

But we love them anyway! :-)



Photo rights reside here, not with me


Enjoy your Friday and your weekend.  Now go hug your man, you love him despite his moments.  And he loves you despite your moments of woman crazy....
Hugs, Erin
 

Funny Friday - When do Boys become Men?

Boys Become Men
clipped by Tutku Serenity

 

I thought this was sweet.  Happy Friday all!

Hugs,  Erin

Funny Friday - Interesting Facts

WARNING:  This was sent to me by a friend...if you don't like odd humor or are easily offended. 

Stop reading now...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.  (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.  (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  ( Hmmmmmm .......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.  (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.  (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.  (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, enjoy your Friday as tomorrow is the weekend!!
(and God love that pig!)

Hugs,  Erin

Funny Friday - Why Men are Never Depressed...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

TGIF... Enjoy your weekend and your loved ones.  Hug and kiss those you love and make sure they know how much you love them.  We are all very blessed, even when life challenges us to our breaking point. 

Big Hug to everyone,  Erin

Funny Friday - Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers

You may have seen this story before but it is good one.  It especially spoke to me today after having a really rough week.  I need to remember what is important and that having a good attitude despite my problems, will go along way in getting through this challenge.

TGIF!!  Hugs, Erin

**********************************************************************

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes....'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---The Lord, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

• Spend time with your children...
• Spend time with your parents.
• Visit with grandparents.
• Take your spouse/partner out to dinner.
• Play another 18.
• There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
• Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
• Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS,

IT'S LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!!!!