Funny Friday - Penis Surgery

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

 

"We're getting granite countertops."

------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: Funny Friday is not intended to offend anyone,

it is just my way of sharing the bits of laughter

sent to me by friends thoughout the week.

I pick the best of the bunch to share with you. 

Figuring if you are as tired as I am and possibly stressed by work

(or just life in general) you can use a good laugh.

TGIF!  Hugs,  Erin

Funny Friday - The Husband Store

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.  She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:  To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Hugs,  Erin

Words of Wisdom Wednesday - 45 Lessons Life Taught Me

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio:

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written."

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Hope this puts a smile on your face.  Hugs,  Erin 



Funny Friday - Oh to be 8 again!

Oh To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife,

who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off

he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.



Photo rights reside here, not with me



'I'd like to be eight again', she replied,

still looking in the mirror ..



Photo rights reside here, not with me



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,

made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

the Death Slide,

the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Roller Coaster,

everything there was.

Photo rights reside here, not with me

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal

 with extra fries and a chocolate shake.



Photo rights reside here, not with me



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.



Photo rights reside here, not with me

What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

Photo rights reside here, not with me

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed .

Photo rights reside here, not with me

'I meant my dress size, you Retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

But we love them anyway! :-)



Photo rights reside here, not with me


Enjoy your Friday and your weekend.  Now go hug your man, you love him despite his moments.  And he loves you despite your moments of woman crazy....
Hugs, Erin
 

Funny Friday - Interesting Facts

WARNING:  This was sent to me by a friend...if you don't like odd humor or are easily offended. 

Stop reading now...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.  (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.  (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  ( Hmmmmmm .......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.  (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.  (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.  (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, enjoy your Friday as tomorrow is the weekend!!
(and God love that pig!)

Hugs,  Erin

Life Explained...

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."  

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I'm doing it as a public service and because I like You.

Happy Fat Tuesday!  Hugs,  Erin

An Honest Bitch!

Just had to pass along this little statement, sent to me by a female friend.  Some days and some weeks I know I'm a terror but hey, love me or don't....at least you know where you stand.

Love ya HS!!

Happy Friday!!!
Hugs,  Erin

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Check out this link.......it is worth the 7 minutes to watch the video.  It will definitely make you smile.  Enjoy blogger friends!

http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-the-best-medicine/


Hugs, Erin